02/06/14: For Immediate Release

From the General Division

SANDWICH Challenges Superheroes, Superagents

SANDWICH today challenged superheroes and superagents to "try and stop us."

Sandwich CEO Maximillian T. Grendel, and Sandwich Deception Division head Lucy Fairfax, complained at a press conference today that no exceptional crimefighters or master spies had even attempted to thwart the corporation's numerous evil schemes. "All of our terrifying plans are going off without a hitch, and our eventual control of the entire planet seems assured," gloated Grendel. "Can no one stop us?"

Fairfax added that the current state of superheroism was "pathetic. In real life there are no Batmen, no Supermen - only overweight, out-of-shape vigilantes in badly designed costumes." Grendel responded to this with a steepling of his fingers and a maniacal grin. Continued Fairfax, "special agents - don't get me started. Where are the James Bonds? We've found only sad-sack pencil pushers who can't use a gun. They don't even have any gadgets. Make no mistake, you want to take on SANDWICH, you need great gadgets, or superpowers, or something!"

Grendel then threw back his head and let forth a mighty diabolical laugh. The press conference was delayed for three minutes as his underlings were compelled to laugh just as loudly, and couldn't stop until Grendel had finished.

Fairfax also noted that last year SANDWICH had captured and killed veteran superhero Captain Compromise. Compromise, a superhero with the magical ability to resolve disputes, had attempted to negotiate an end to SANDWICH narcotics operations in his hometown, Fairville. Compromise was nabbed by SANDWICH coercion head Reptilior, and later was shot and eaten. "Since then, not one ruggedly handsome hero has come forward to get in our way. Our drug-dealing, superviolence, brainwashing and other nefarious plots continue unabated," said Fairfax.

Grendel hopes that taunting the superhero community will inspire brave attempts to combat SANDWICH's evil. "We'd like the challenge." He noted that such attempts could only end in failure, hopefully involving loss of life on the part of the do-gooder. He added that Reptilior had grown tired of eating fish.

S.A.N.D.W.I.C.H., the Special Association for Narcotics, Deception, Witchcraft, Infanticide, Coercion and Hatred, is a multinational corporation devoted to excellence in every field it enters.

For further information about the contents of this press release or about S.A.N.D.W.I.C.H. in general, please contact Lucy Fairfax (lucy@skitfaced.com).