SANDWICH: the next next Enron?

July 16, 2002 05:12 AM

Universe sources close to criminal megacorp SANDWICH report the evil behemoth may soon go belly-up.

A source noted SANDWICH has for some time been lying through its teeth about its financial health, vastly overstating profits through various "evil" accounting tricks. But SANDWICH may soon be out of cash altogether, and the giant will surely take its innocent shareholders down with it.

SANDWICH stands for the Special Association for Narcotics, Deception, Witchcraft, Infanticide, Coercion and Hatred, and these are the corp's main areas of business. "Don't get me wrong, they make plenty of bread through narcotics and witchcraft, and even deception and coercion," said a trusted source with access to the straight dope. "But infanticide, hatred - those are money pits. How the hell do you make money doing that?" So SANDWICH has been using profits from its cash-generating divisions to prop up savage losses in others. But the damage is now too severe for this to continue.

Even worse are the extravagant habits of Infanticide division head The Ageless Baby. Details are shady, but the Baby is reported to have: a giant, solid-gold crib that funtions as a hoverjet; a staff of expensive supermodel "nannies," a collection of extremely exotic pets, possibly including a dinosaur and a werewolf; and an interior waterfall that would make MC Hammer roll over in his grave.

Hatred chief Harold bin Sampson, on the other hand, is prone to impulse militia campaigns. He maintains a "Hate Army" of skinheads and terrorists, and "if someone looks at him cockeyed he launches a huge expensive attack on them," says the source. "I can't tell you how much money this jackass burns through everytime he has one of his angry fits."

All told, it's expected SANDWICH will file for bankruptcy protection as soon as two weeks from now. At least, that would be the best possible result. Much scarier is the likelihood, which trusted sources call "likely," that SANDWICH uberboss Max Grendel will "go out in a blaze of glory," unleashing all his most twisted and depraved weapons and schemes (such as the rumoured De-pantsing gun) in a last-ditch world destruction effort. Even that, though, won't help the innocent investors who hold stock in the evil conglomerate, who are advised to get out before the stock tanks.

Skitfaced Home Business Celebrity Crime Editorial Sports The Paranormal	SANDWICH: the next next Enron? July 16, 2002 05:12 AM Universe sources close to criminal megacorp SANDWICH report the evil behemoth may soon go belly-up. A source noted SANDWICH has for some time been lying through its teeth about its financial health, vastly overstating profits through various "evil" accounting tricks. But SANDWICH may soon be out of cash altogether, and the giant will surely take its innocent shareholders down with it. SANDWICH stands for the Special Association for Narcotics, Deception, Witchcraft, Infanticide, Coercion and Hatred, and these are the corp's main areas of business. "Don't get me wrong, they make plenty of bread through narcotics and witchcraft, and even deception and coercion," said a trusted source with access to the straight dope. "But infanticide, hatred - those are money pits. How the hell do you make money doing that?" So SANDWICH has been using profits from its cash-generating divisions to prop up savage losses in others. But the damage is now too severe for this to continue. Even worse are the extravagant habits of Infanticide division head The Ageless Baby. Details are shady, but the Baby is reported to have: a giant, solid-gold crib that funtions as a hoverjet; a staff of expensive supermodel "nannies," a collection of extremely exotic pets, possibly including a dinosaur and a werewolf; and an interior waterfall that would make MC Hammer roll over in his grave. Hatred chief Harold bin Sampson, on the other hand, is prone to impulse militia campaigns. He maintains a "Hate Army" of skinheads and terrorists, and "if someone looks at him cockeyed he launches a huge expensive attack on them," says the source. "I can't tell you how much money this jackass burns through everytime he has one of his angry fits." All told, it's expected SANDWICH will file for bankruptcy protection as soon as two weeks from now. At least, that would be the best possible result. Much scarier is the likelihood, which trusted sources call "likely," that SANDWICH uberboss Max Grendel will "go out in a blaze of glory," unleashing all his most twisted and depraved weapons and schemes (such as the rumoured De-pantsing gun) in a last-ditch world destruction effort. Even that, though, won't help the innocent investors who hold stock in the evil conglomerate, who are advised to get out before the stock tanks.	b