Wifejohn Bids Farewell To Wife, Launches Pornographic Website

June 5, 2002 02:21 PM

When film star and American Whip Alliance President Catcher P. Wifejohn gave a press conference Wednesday, there was more than one topic on the agenda.

Speaking to the media from the downtown morgue in Laredo, Texas, Wifejohn lamented the loss of his wife of thirty years, Alva Wifejohn, and later, announced the upcoming launch of his new pornographic website.

Mrs. Wifejohn died suddenly Wednesday morning when she was struck with eruptive spine cancer. "Yesterday she was healthy as an ox. This morning she was complaining of a small back itch. Ten minutes later her spine blew out," declared a tearful Wifejohn. He shook his fist violently at reporters as he damned all cancers to hell for eternity.

Though eruptive spine cancer is relatively new to the medical profession, many voices in the liberal media have pinned the blame squarely on Paloma Tobacco. Every victim thus far was a heavy smoker of Paloma cigarettes. Still, mortician Teddy Batista, the man who performed Mrs. Wifejohn's autopsy, warned the press not to jump to conclusions, "we just don't know yet. The body is far too obliterated. It's like someone put a grenade inside her."

One reporter asked Wifejohn if he, a smoker and onetime Paloma spokesman, would consider quitting. An indignant Wifejohn stared me down and said "You just try and stop me." Wifejohn then thanked Batista for his courage and detachment, then once more burst into tears as he hugged his assistant Victor Stemp declaring, "It's just you and me now Vic."

Then, just as things seemed to be winding down, Wifejohn announced to the stunned assembly, just a few feet from his wife's body, that he and Stemp would be launching a pornographic website in only a few months time.

The site, to be called "Lashes", will be created and maintained entirely by Wifejohn and Stemp themselves, and will be of the "softcore sadomasochistic" variety. Wifejohn says he is primarily seeking a forum to exchange political views, and to have "a little fun". Wifejohn, who once described the internet as a "dark, filthy dungeon," was asked why he's had a sudden change of heart. He claims he never said anything of the sort, and now calls the internet "humanity's ticket to Freedomland."

Wifejohn went on to describe Freedomland in great deal, as though it were a real goegraphical location. However, before reporters were allowed to ask any follow-up questions, he and Stemp were quickly whisked away by bodyguards, purportedly to conduct important business elsewhere.